I am resting now. I have been reeling. A part of me has been under siege from another part. It took some effort to get me to the couch. I notice whenever my thoughts are sizzling with judgment, my body runs from meditation as if from fire. There is a lot of doing little nothings going hither and thither as I cannot BE anywhere. Everywhere I go I am jumpy. My skin is crawly.
I read ACIM Lesson 185. I want the peace of God. To give that thought 30 seconds of focus is to douse the heat. My heart cries out…Yes I do, I want the peace of God, but I have forgotten that I want it. I feel humbled by this turn of events. I feel fallen, as if from a hammock high in a noble tree, to the unyielding earth below. Living in the thought system of separation is like that; highs and lows, excitement and debasement; unceasing disappointment, and the thud of hitting bottom.
I notice my true Desire for happiness, for love, for peace has been replaced by a distorted dream, a bargain, a compromise, a wish for getting from the world, from a relationship, from an occupation, what God has already given me. I have gone searching outside myself for people, places, things to complete me. That is a useless journey to nowhere, to get nothing. It is the whirling of a mind that has misplaced Grandpoppi’s eternal gifts. Peace, Health, Love, are hidden beneath the amnesia of material wishes and need-seeking pleasures.
The forms of my dream (especially people) morph and darken, shift and change. What I think I need owns me. Where I think it should come from steals me from where I am in truth. I gyrate around feelings of deprivation. Intellectual solutions appear to fill the gaps. Every ego idea sought as salvation calls for marketing….selling myself, my worthiness, my smarts, my depth, even my spirituality. As I seek to get, deprivation and neediness are strengthened in me; the knowing of my inherent worthiness, diminished.
Jess says, the mind that seeks to get has lost remembrance of what it has, what it is, resulting in a state of deprivation, fear, and smallness. It is a state of poverty, from which we feel justified taking, compromising, bargaining and manipulating to restore our perceived lack.
The worst part of this forgetfulness is the feeling of failure. I wonder how I could turn to the world, to another, to a dream when my heart is brimming with the Love of Source, Which is my everything. I laugh at myself. I see that I am roaming the world with God’s infinitely replenished wallet, full of every possible currency, forgetting what I carry, how much I have to spend!
I realize what I have lost is my Mind, the true Help that abides within me. Its peace is given me to share.
Its forgiveness is the comforting Answer that extends to those who seem to have hurt me, or failed me.
My heart aches for a moment thinking I turned away from Her pearls, Her Wisdom, grabbing the plastic pearls of an imposter.
I am getting up now, rising from that fall. I remember God’s Will for me. To remember is to realize Jess, our Holy Spirit as the “only answer” to my every need. I am brushing myself off, knowing I am not truly hurt. I repeat the words. I want the peace of God. I add, I want God. This is my real Desire.
I am laughing. A wonderful image has come to replace the darkness of my mistaken beliefs and self-judgment. I see I am God’s Bliss. He does not have thoughts as I do of a good MaryBeth or a bad MaryBeth, only that His Creating me is the Ultimate, Cosmic Orgasmic Rapture happening right now. It is the giving of God Life as my life that is the unceasing joy of His extension. His exhilaration is not in making a holy person…not in making persons at all. It is the ecstasy of Creating as the revelation of all that God is, extending in waves of indescribable Love that return to Him through me. Wow.
all love,
marybeth
ACIM meets tomorrow, Thursday, 7:30 . Love to SEE you there
Also… the pre-conference gathering at Vicki’s this weekend was a festival of creativity and healing. I was thrilled to present with so many gifted teachers of ACIM. And I was blown away by the Spirit speaking through my own heart. If this is anything like the ACIM 2019 International Conference in Boston, you are in for a real joyful joining. There are still tickets, not many! If you have liked my sharing, please come join with me there. Come be among the witnesses and lovers of Christ.
Call Community Miracles Center at 415 621 2556 to register. Ask for Reverend Kelly and please tell them I sent you.
copyright marybethscalice July 25, 2018